Choose Your Own Path(s)

(There is video of me reading this piece on IG here if you prefer the audio/visual experience. There’s also some extra insights at the end of the video that’s not written here. The article came first. This isn’t a transcript of a video).

Recently, I’ve made decisions that really shake shit up in my life. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I moved out. For a good four years before this, I was a stay at home mom- many people’s dream. I’m fully aware of this. 

At the time that I “shook shit up”  I wasn’t exactly sure why I needed to do it- but i did it. As the dust settles, it’s becoming more and more clear: I’m simply choosing a different path. 

It’s like when company say they’re “going in a different direction.” I’m going in a different direction.

Society tells you to “get an education, get married, have children, buy a house, work in a career for a few decades and retire- yay!” Also embedded somewhere in there is, “marry the person you love- as long as it’s heterosexually, have a few children, but not too much because then you’ll be judged- but also not none- because judgement is around that corner too, also send those children to college. And that career you chose, should be the only one you have and it should match your major in college- you did go to college, right?”   Now, when you’ve done all these things, you’re considered a successful adult- or at least a functioning member of society. It’s like winning in a board game.  You did it. You did all the things. Congrats.

But what happens when those things aren’t for you? And at what point do you know they’re not for you. 

What society’s script for your life doesn’t account for is your happiness, your life path, your personality, your fulfillment, your complexities, your uniqueness, your evolution, your heritage. 

I purport: if you let society dictate what you do with your life (your one life), you may find yourself unhappy in the end. As humans, we’re not a monolith. We are not programmable robots to carry out the vision of a thriving America. But if you look around, you would think that’s what’s happening. 

I’m in the middle of choosing my own path as I write this. I did the things: I got married, I had the children, I stayed home with the children for a few years. We had the joint account, we cohabitated, we were monogamous. I breastfed, we were part of a homeschool cooperative, I did all the house stuff, he did all the income stuff.  To some extent, we were following a script that was laid out for us. A script that is generations old (which is loaded). A script that was probably concocted by and in the interest of capitalistic straight white American men. The last five words (abbr: CSWAM) are very important because they have a set of values attached to them. That’s its own article and I won’t go into depth. What I can say is that I’ve come to learn that my values don’t align with the values attached to capitalistic straight white american men. Full stop.

I’m at a place where I did most of the things society told me to do and I ...frankly don’t want it. Or I don’t want that version of it. It lacks the space I love, the freedom I thrive in. It is rooted in oppressive conventions, which is cringey to me. Most of the paths or storylines laid out by American society are unkind or unfair to women specifically. I’ll just do life some other way. 

Today, I’m more clear about my values, my worth, my personality, my desires and society’s script doesn’t quite match up. I have to write my own. 

Some people are better living apart while they are married- if they want marriage. Some people live better by being ethically non-monogamous, some people are better without children, some people are better renting over owning, some people are better living on a farm, some, a city, some people are better by changing their gender. By better, I mean, where their freedom lives. 

None of which should be judged. It actually should be celebrated- when people are living into the fullness of themselves- whatever that means for that individual person.

My message here is to choose the path that best suits you. Not what society says, not what family says (respectfully), not what your guidance counselor says. Who are you and what do you want?

Start as early as you can to understand where your joy lives, what you’re good at, what comes effortless to you, what gives you sparks when you do it, what can you “zone out” doing. What are the “you’d do it for free” things in your life that you thoroughly enjoy doing? 

These are the paths you may want to explore - in whatever order you decide. You don’t have to know all the steps, protocols, polished presentations, perfect dot coms to create the life you want.  Just take a step in that direction. One step. One phone call, one online search, one sketch, one word written on a page, tell one person.

And if the path switches at a later date, that’s totally fine- it should actually be an expectation, just like failure. Sometimes the first thing is a breadcrumb to the next thing! Watch the beauty of the unfoldment. Example: I was selling stickers, t-shirt and wristbands for two year before that idea evolved into a mobile app. I didn’t see the mobile app when I was selling merch, but I was moving in a direction. One that fulfilled me, one I poured myself into with reckless abandon. 

And look, here, I am writing- for free. Because I love it. It brings me such joy to place letters next to each other that make words, that express thoughts, that may expand a mind, to make a person’s life better or to see the world differently- which essentially makes our world more inhabitable. 

How is this going to turn out? I’m wildly unsure. And COVID also adds a layer of “oh you thought you had a plan, think again” to it- so there’s that. But what I am very sure of is what I do not want or how I don’t want to feel. During this quarantine, I’ve been rebuilding and cultivating what I do want, how i do want to feel, better understanding  my needs, my values. I make decisions that align with my highest joy- forcefully, incessantly. My decision to leave (what seemed like) a great relationship was the breadcrumb, to this rediscovery, reimagining my life. 

The script may work for people- a lot of people. By no means and I here to  “yuck your yum.” If it’s working?  Do you, do it, do all of it! But if something is not, and you feel that in a deep deep place (and sometimes it’s just a whisper), you have agency to change the course of your path. You don’t have to “go along to get along.” You don’t have to do the thing society tells you to do.

You can create your own path(s). You can have mind/body alignment. You can have joy. Or you can live on a mountain. Whatever allows you to be and feel the full expression of your truest self. 

I believe once that is clear, you can start adding on the things, and people, and foods, and adventures and experiences, that align with that!