The Familiarity of Self-Betrayal

I had a talk with a friend and she was able to name a feeling I know far far far far far FAR FAR too well: self-betrayal.

Is it a side-effect of being a woman who lives within a patriarchal society? Yeah perhaps. On a personal level, this “naming” hit me in a deep, dark space. So deep that I’m here writing about it. Here’s what I wrote, inspired by our conversation.

Self betrayal is such a familiar feeling.

It’s familiar like- that comfy spot on the couch that has the best view of the tv.

It’s as automatic as closing your eyes to yawn.

It’s a knee-jerk reaction to the fear of…

• judgement

• ridicule

• disapproval

• loss of love or support

• shame

• guilt

It’s a personal prison that you put yourself in. You did the sentencing yourself. You closed the door yourself. But you also have the key to get yourself out of… Your release date is solely up to you.

But honestly, it feels safe. You low-key like it in there.

….until you don’t.

Me talking to myself: Fuck that shit!

If you’ve found yourself in a personal prison of self-betrayal (for no matter how long)….where you don’t follow your intuition (or the voice seems cloudy/quiet) or you don’t speak up for yourself, you don’t call bullshit, you act polite instead of assertive, you’d rather keep the peace than “make a fuss", you call yourself a non-confrontational person to keep your poise, position, or peace or whatever the fuck…. fuck that shit.

You know what the opposite of betrayal is? Frankness, loyalty, openness, truthfulness, protection, forthrightness, the act of defending. Do all these things in service of YOURSELF, your needs, your boundaries, your values, your highest good.

That’s all I have on that. Fuck everything that doesn’t align.

Let go of your need to suffer.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery/ None but ourselves can free our minds” - Robert Nesta Marley